Two Game Gurus
by Tears of Stardust
Summary: A sick, twisted story brought on by sugar highs and lack of sleep. Flame this story! The sick and twisted 3rd chapter is now up.
1. Default Chapter

Two Great Game Gurus  
What We Think About   
  
Author's Notes: Ok, this is a poor attempt at humour, so keep flaming to a minimum. Try to  
keep in mind that this was written very late at night by two teenage girls who have just been  
chowing down on their stash of Easter chocolate (and pot in Divine Sorceress' case *laughs  
evilly*).  
  
This starts out at our high school where Divine Sorceress (DS) and Tears of Stardust (TOS) go to  
school (amazing eh?) The cast of Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9 and The Legend of Dragoon are  
wandering around for some reason or another (maybe they're after our evil vice principal???)   
Also, names have been changed to protect the innocent.  
  
So anyways, enjoy our dose of insanity.  
  
*The bell rings to signal first break and people are milling around in the halls or going out to  
have a smoke, the cast of the games are the hot topic of gossip because of their funny clothes  
and huge weapons*  
  
Albert: What are we doing here anyway? The Moon That Never Sets is about to set and we're  
standing around having kids laugh at us  
  
Meru: I wanna go home *starts pouting*  
  
Squall: ...whatever  
  
*Seifer shows up with his posse*  
Seifer: Like my pants? I found them in this big bin outside and they smelled kinda funny but  
they look great!  
  
Rinoa: Damn, you look fine. See ya later Squall, Seifer's my one and only  
  
Squall: ...whatever  
  
Barret: Damn man, pull yo self together foo, we gotta find a way to get outta here  
  
*whole cast is looking around the bizarre layout of the school*  
  
Fro*a friend of mine* : Hey guys, what's up?  
  
Fujin: NOT WELCOME  
  
Rajin: Fujin doesn't like bimbos, ya know?  
  
Rinoa: Hey, what about me?  
  
  
Fujin: RAGE  
  
Rajin: Fujin was saying that she'd kill you if you weren't the boss' ho  
  
Cloud: Who has hos? I want me some more hoes!  
  
Tifa: I'm right here pimp-daddy Cloud  
  
Cloud: There's my bitch  
  
Steiner: You shouldn't talk to a lady like that!  
  
Cloud: You got a problem with what I say to my hoes, scrub  
  
Steiner: ...what's a scrub?  
  
Garnet: Hey, leave Steiner alone!  
  
Seifer: Aren't my pants nice and shiny?  
  
Squall: Goddammit, I'm gonna kill you! *stabs Seifer, Seifer dies* I mean...whatever  
  
Fujin: RAGE  
  
Rajin: Fujin was saying that we might have to kick your ass, ya know?  
  
Squall: ...whatever  
  
Fujin: LEAVE  
  
Rajin: We're going now, ya know? *they leave*  
  
DS: Holy sh*t! I know you guys! *points to Barret* You're Mr. T!  
  
Barret: I don't know what yo talking about foo  
  
Aeris: Watch your mouth young man. Your daughter is present.  
  
Cloud: Aeris, you're alive!   
  
Aeris: Yeah, I've been alive all this time. You didn't even check for my pulse before you put me  
in the lake. Me and Sephiroth had that April Fools joke planned for a long time  
  
Cloud: Well then, you know where to come later, right?  
  
  
Aeris: You still got that old shack? Last time I was there, I got splinters all over my a$$  
  
Dart: Where is this shack?  
  
Cloud: Out in the woods  
  
Dart: Alright, maybe someday me and Lavitz should check it out...  
  
Lavitz: Oh stop *gives Dart a kiss on the cheek and a slap on the ass*  
  
Dart: How about we go to the shack right now?  
  
Lavitz: I'm ready if you are *they leave hand in hand*  
  
Shana: Oh man, Dart was my boyfriend. Now I have nothing left to do with my time than collect  
Pokemon cards and watch Teletubbies  
  
Stiener: Why don't you come to the castle for a private tour, lady Shana  
  
Shana: Sure, sweet thang *they leave, Steiner carrying Shana over his shoulder*  
  
Nanaki: Something seems to be quite wrong here, as if we were being manipulated somehow  
  
Vincent: I agree, I sense a disturbance in the force. I must contact the Jedi Council  
  
*TOS shows up* TOS: What's been up my sister? *gives DS a high five* What's been going  
down so far?  
  
DS: Lavitz and Dart left together like the gay she-males they are, Steiner and Shana left to get  
some action, Squall killed Seifer because Seifer kept talking about his pants, and Fujin and Rajin  
left.  
  
TOS: Excellent, everything's going according to plan. Mwa ha ha ha!  
  
  
  
Wow, you actually read that whole thing? Remember that this is only our sick attempt at  
humour and any character bashing is unintentional. Stick around for more.  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own anything mentioned beforehand *except for DS and TOS* because if  
we did we wouldn't be writing this, we'd be swimming in our piles of money instead. 


	2. The Craziness Continues

Two Game Gurus  
What We Think About Part 2!  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own nothing cept for me and her *TOS & DS* (I think bad grammar's  
funny!).  
  
Anyways, we wrote this after pulling something from a swamp near one of my neighbours house  
while DS was busy doing something (if you read the first part of the first chapter then you'd  
know what we're talking about, if not, sux to be you cuz we don't give out spoilers) and so the  
toxic fumes might have made us a little insane at the moment *cackles evilly* So enjoy!  
  
  
  
DS: What master plan is that?  
  
TOS: Well it involves me and Squall, naked....  
  
DS: Hey! This is a PG-13 rated story!  
  
TOS: Well, then we'll just have to change the rating then, won't we?  
  
DS: Umm...  
  
Announcer: This program has been brought to you by The Stag Shop, a little house made for all  
the lovers out there. And now here's....Rufus!  
  
Rufus: Welcome to Rufus' House of Love! *a voice is heard in the background 'It's Rufus Lake,  
dumbass'* Oh, right, welcome to Rufus Lake! Today we have a special lineup for you, but first  
we'll start out with Kuja! Come on out Kuja!  
  
*booing is heard from the audience as Kuja comes out blowing kisses. Kuja and Rufus shake  
hands and Kuja sits down* Kuja: It's such an honour to be here!  
  
Rufus: Well, why don't you tell the audience why you're here in the first place?  
  
Random Audience Member: Get off the floor!  
  
Kuja: Well, I have a hard time convincing people that I'm actually a guy  
  
Rufus: And why is that?  
  
Kuja: Because of my thong skirt! *Gets up and starts doing Britney Spears dances. Audience  
throws things @ him and he is hit in the head and knocked unconscious*  
  
Rufus: Shall we take this opportunity to see what's REALLY under his thong skirt? *Audience  
starts cheering and then Rufus lifts up the thong skirt* Oh God no! My eyes! My beautiful eyes!   
*Starts to crawl around on the floor yelling for help, audience cheers*  
  
*Zell jumps on stage with a hotdog in his mouth while dragging Shana along* Zell: Hey all,  
what's up?  
  
Shana: Zell, where did you get that hotdog?  
  
Zell: I found it. I had to get a bun for it of course. Anyways, I thought you were off with  
Steiner?  
  
*Cat calls are heard from the audience* Shana: Well, I got kinda pissed off at him and...while,  
let's say he's missing something very important to him  
  
Zell: His armour?  
  
Shana: No you idiot! His penis!  
  
*Zell looks at hotdog* Zell: Maybe that's why it tasted funny  
  
Shana: You are such a moron Zell *Shana leaves*  
  
Zell: Anyways, up next is a couple that's had a sex change! Please welcome...Fujin and Rajin!  
*Audience is standing on chairs cheering*  
  
*Fu and Raj walk in and sit down* Zell: So, what prompted you two to get your sex changes?  
  
Fujin: KIDS  
  
Rajin: Fujin was saying that she didn't want to suffer through childbirth but she wanted kids, so  
she and I switched sexes, ya know?  
  
Zell: Haven't you two ever heard of adoption?  
  
Fujin: RAGE *kicks Zell where the sun don't shine and she left with Rajin*  
  
Zell: Talk about messing with your mind. Anyways, like these pants I found? Actually, I pulled  
them off Seifer's dead body, aren't they cool?  
  
*Squall appears from out of nowhere* Squall: Goddammit, I'm gonna kill you! *stabs Zell, Zell  
dies* I mean...whatever  
  
TOS: Ha ha, it's all falling into place. As soon as I put those pants on that bitch Heartilly, then  
Squall will be mine! Mwa ha ha!  
  
DS: Can I put those pants on Shana too? I want Albert!  
  
Author's Note: Wow, this was even more pathetic then the first part. Now we're gunning for  
flames. So flame, flame, Mwa ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. The Craziness Strikes Back!

Chapter 3  
  
A/N: We is back! Mwa ha ha! After a very long time, we has decided to write another chapter  
of everyone's favourite story, Two Game Gurus! (And yes, the bad grammar is intentional, more  
flaming that way!)   
  
Disclaimer: We no own anything EXCEPT for TOS and DS and the Randomly Annoying Kitty!  
  
*Rinoa's House, Sleepover*  
  
Shana: Steiner sucks in the sack! I mean, he would hardly get into bed in the first place, then he  
started out with all this "I love you" crap. I just wanted to get laid!  
  
Albert: Well, maybe he didn't want to lay you cuz you're such a slut, trying to get Dart when  
everyone knows that he's going with Lavitz.  
  
Shana: So what you saying, you want me?  
  
Albert: Well, my wife wouldn't like that . . . *Shana grabs Albert and drags him off to the  
nearest bedroom while he is kicking and screaming all the way*  
  
Emile: What the fuck are you doing to my husband you skank?  
  
*DS appears out of nowhere* DS: Here, try on these pants *DS disappears*  
  
*Emile puts on pants* Emile: Oh, I love these pants! They're just so smooth and shiny!  
  
*Squall appears out of the back room* Squall: Goddammit, I'm gonna kill you! *stabs Emile,  
Emile dies* I mean . . . whatever  
  
*Randomly Annoying Kitty (RAK) walks in the room and starts to meow excessively, drowning  
out all conversation* Cloud: WTF? Why is there a cat here?  
  
Rinoa: I found him outside, he was cute and all when he tried to scratch my . . . uhh . . .never  
mind.  
  
Squall: . . . whatever.  
  
Vincent: The Jedi council will surely know what to do *puts his hands to temples in an attempt  
to disappear, but nothing happens* Oh yes, I don't have that power . . .yet *runs out the door*  
  
Selphie: Aww, what a cute little kitty . . . let's skin it alive then run around the prison with it's  
skin!  
  
Quistis: I agree! Make with the death of the kitty!  
  
  
Rose: No, I shall use my dragoon power on it! *attacks RAK with dragoon power, but kitty just  
sits there. Kitty starts to meow even louder*  
  
Squall: Godammit, I'm gonna kill you! *stabs kitty, kitty lives* I mean . . . what the fuck . . . err .  
. whatever.  
  
Nanaki: I sense the presence of a cheat among us . . . ah ha! Found it! It's the "Can't Kill Kitty  
Cheat" and it's coming from . . . it's not coming from anywhere! Damn that Gameshark! It's not  
even in the port!  
  
*While Nanaki is talking, Selphie is slowly walking up behind him drooling, holding a butcher  
knife and chanting 'Must kill all kitties'. Tries to stab Nanaki, but fails*  
  
Nanaki: You do know that I'm a kitty as well don't you?  
  
*Selphie walks outside chanting "Must kill all kitties" and disappears down the block*  
  
Quistis: Squall . . . you do know that I give a better lay then Rinoa right?  
  
Squall: . . . whatever  
  
Quistis: You do know that I'm sexier right?  
  
Squall*raises an eyebrow* . . . whatever  
  
Quistis: You do know that I'm as pretty as Siren right?  
  
Squall: . . . whatever  
  
Quistis: Dammit Squall! I'm a succubus alright? I just wanted you to sleep with me but nooooo,  
you have to go off with that bitch Heartilly! Well, I'm gonna do something that pisses you off as  
much as that "whatever" pisses me off! *peels pants off of Emile's dead body* There, see?   
Look at these pants, they're so nice and shiny, unlike you, you bastard.  
  
Squall: Godammit, shut your fucking hole! I'm kill you, you pigeon! *stabs Quistis, Quistis  
dies* I mean . . . whatever.  
  
*RAK starts to meow even louder* Cloud: Dammit! How do we shut this fucking thing up?   
We'll never be able to go to bed now, and I want my blankie *sticks thumb in mouth and shuts  
up*  
  
Tifa: I told you we couldn't bring it, it takes over too much room! *looks over at Squall* You  
killed one of Cloud's hoes! Now I'm gonna have to bust you up! *starts to walk over, but falls  
on her face because of her enormous front*  
  
  
Squall: . . . whatever  
  
*Steiner walks in the room, panting, and holding his non-existent crotch* Dammit Shana, where  
did you go with my . . . oh! *Steiner walks over and start to feel the pants that are still on  
Quistis' dead body* Oh, so soft and shiny!  
  
Squall: Godammit, I'm gonna kill you! *stabs Steiner, Steiner dies* I mean . . . whatever  
  
Aeris *looks over at still meowing cat*: Maybe if you got a Rename card, that thing would shut  
up!  
  
Nanaki: How you figure?  
  
Cloud: That's it, I'm gonna go find a rename card! *walks off into the night*  
  
*Vincent returns* Vincent: The Jedi high council has decided that a rename card would shut that  
feline up!  
  
Nanaki: Do you know a quick and easy way to go get one?  
  
Vincent: . . . I shall go ask! *runs out the door again*  
  
Rinoa: Wouldn't a catoblepas work?  
  
Barret: What yo talkin bout, foo?  
  
Rinoa, Well, it's a cat isn't it? Won't it cat talk to this other cat and tell it to shut up?  
  
Squall: Dammit Rinoa, you're such a fucking dumbass. Get a fucking clue, if you know what  
that is! I should never had married a whore like you!  
  
Rinoa: Meany!  
  
Squall: Godammit, I'm gonna kill you! *repeatedly stabs Rinoa in the chest, Rinoa dies* I mean  
. . . whatever  
  
Zidane: That was pretty cruel, stabbing her in the chest like that repeatedly  
  
Barret: Not like she had much there to begin with . . .   
  
*Street scene, Cloud wandering around like an idiot, piss drunk*  
  
Cloud: Fissshhhhh naaa . . . . ohhh. . . ressshhhh naaaaammmmeeeee car . . . . weeeedddddd  
reeesssshhhh naaaammmm carrrr . . . . Seffffffffieeeeee . . .  
Selphie: Must kill all kitties . . . *looks over at Cloud and thinks he's a kitty* Spiky kitty must  
die  
  
Cloud: Sefffffiiieeee . . . mmyyyyyyy noooooooo feeeeeeeeelllllllssss goooooooooodddd . . .  
*barfs on Selphie*  
  
Selphie: Must leave spiky kitty alone *walks away chanting "Must leave spiky kitty alone*  
  
Cloud: Thhhhattttt, loooooshs..... ike. . .a facial . . *walks in to pet store* do you .... hash ... a  
resh name car?  
  
Man behind counter: Uhh. . . do you mean a rename card?  
  
Cloud: Yef . . . dat the vone . . . gif me now  
  
Man behind counter: I'm sorry sir, but we were bought out by a kitty not five minutes before you  
got here  
  
Cloud: Shamn . . . *looks down and sees RAK rubbing itself all over Cloud's leg* shupid cat  
*pulls out a flask and takes a swig, passes out on the floor. RAK goes back to Rinoa's house  
where it starts to howl again*  
  
Barret: Damn cat, why the fuck won't y'all die?  
  
Cid: Just stab the fuck til it dies!  
  
Squall: Goddammit, I'm gonna kill you! *stabs kitty, kitty dies* huh? I mean . . . whatever  
  
Nanaki: Hmm . . . the Gameshark cheat must have resided within Rinoa, since she's the one who  
first found the kitty when it tried to scratch her . . . never mind  
  
*Vincent returns out of breath* Vincent: Can . . . kill . . . kitty . . .now . . .Rinoa . . . had . .  
.Gameshark . . . codes   
  
*TOS appears out of nowhere, grabs Squall and pulls him into nothingness with her, chapter  
ends*  
  
A/Ns: What a blood bath! Anywho, stay tuned for the next installment of Two Game Gurus! 


End file.
